


The Road Trip

by saiyajinsama



Category: Dragon Ball
Genre: F/M, Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2002-01-04
Updated: 2002-01-04
Packaged: 2017-12-22 11:11:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 10,510
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/912516
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/saiyajinsama/pseuds/saiyajinsama
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Sons and the Briefs take an American road trip all together in one van. This story is OOC and definitely goofy!</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This story was written eleven years ago when I was in high school and I have posted it mostly as-is. Originally, It was posted on fanfiction.

**Vegeta:** Move OVER Kakarotto!!

 **Goku:** But I'm not TOUCHING you Vegeta!!!

 **Vegeta:** SO?! I can still feel your disgusting KI!

 **Goku:** Oh shut up! : _sticks tongue out_ :

 **Vegeta:** : _whining_ : Bulmaaaaa... Why does Kakarotto have to sit next to ME??

 **Bulma:** : _looking into rearview_ : Goku's the only one here that you can't kill, that's why. So both of you be quiet and get along like nice children.

 **Goku:** : _innocently_ : Chi Chi, am I still a child?

 **Chi Chi:** : _sigh_ : Sometimes I think so...

 **Bulma to Chi Chi:** I'll never understand how you ended up with TWO kids

 **Chi Chi:** I don't understand it myself

 **Goku pipes up:** I don't understand EITHER. We should have MORE than two... : _puzzled look_ :

 **Vegeta:** : _eyebrow raised_ : That's TOO much information Kakarotto

: _Chi Chi's face is a deep crimson and she is pressed against the door hoping the conversation changes quickly_ :

 **Bulma:** W-H-O-A! Chi Chi! You go girl!

: _Chi Chi grows 10 more shades red and her hands grip the door handle in a vice-like grip_ :

: _Bulma winks_ :

 **Goten:** Hey Dad, what's with Mom?

 **Goku:** I'm not sure son, something about repeatedly having sex but only ending up with 2 kids

 **Goten:** Oh, riiiiight

 **Trunks to Goten:** What he say?

 **Goten:** Eh... Mom's embarrassed that Dad's screwing her all the time

 **Trunks:** Riiiiiiight.....

 **Vegeta:** **YOU TWO BRATS SHUT UP!! I DON'T CARE TO KNOW ABOUT KAKAROTTO'S SEX LIFE!!**

 **Goku:** Tell us about yours, then

: _Vegeta falls forward into the floor of the minivan_ :

 **Goku:** Vegeta! VEGETA!! Are you OK?? Your eyes are kinda stuck open or something... ARE YOU DEAD??

: _Vegeta shakes his body and gets back into his seat_ :

 **Vegeta:** I'm FINE, baka

 **Goku:** So....

 **Vegeta:** So?

 **Goku:** Well....

 **Vegeta:** Well WHAT?

 **Goku:** Aren't ya gonna tell me about your passionate throes with Bulma?

 **Vegeta:** Certainly NOT!

 **Goku:** Why not? Afraid I'll find out that I get more than you, and I'm dead most of the time? : _sticks tongue out, again_ :

 **Vegeta:** NO! It's just that... : _Vegeta looks around the vehicle for some excuse_ : ... it would embarrass that woman too much : _Sticks tongue out at Goku_ :

 **Bulma:** It wouldn't bother ME, Veggie-chan. Yamcha could never shut HIS mouth, so I think I can tolerate anything you've got to admit to.

: _Vegeta's anger rises just a smidgeon from the pet name "Veggie-chan" that Bulma only used doing foreplay. An obvious jab at his ego..._ :

: _Bulma, amused whenever Vegeta got angry, was smirking into the rearview_ :

 **Vegeta:** : _eyes closed, arms crossed, nose in the air_ : The details are too graphic to be told in the presence of these young brats.

 **Goten and Trunks:** Eeewwwwww!!! Nasty!!

: _puking sounds from behind Goku and Vegeta's bench seat_ :

 **Goku:** Yeah, yeah, Whatever. You're embarrassed. Admit it Vegeta!

 **Vegeta:** I am NOT! I am the mighty prince of the saiya-jins, super elite, son of King --

 **Everyone:** **SHUT UP VEGETA!!!**

: _Vegeta's head droops a bit and he starts scowling_ :

 **Goku:** ARGH!! You're no fun Vegeta! You're so weak!!

: _A sinister growling comes from Vegeta and he jumps on Goku_ :

 **Vegeta:** WHAT WAS THAT??

 **Goku:** : _Sticks tongue out_ :

 **Vegeta:** **GGGGGGRRRRRRR!!!** : _A creepy glint in his eye, Vegeta prepares to pummel Goku_ :

 **Bulma:** You boys stop that RIGHT NOW!

: _Vegeta snarls at Bulma_ :

 **Bulma:** **NOW!!!** Or no nurse-and-patient for you!

: _A weird squeak-like noise came from Vegeta and he immediately let go of Goku and sat in his seat, hoping Goku didn't hear that last part..._ :

 **Goku:** Huh?

: _Vegeta thought fast, changing the increasingly tense subject before the dummy was able to figure out the only thing that could bring the mighty prince to his knees_ :

 **Vegeta:** Woman!! Stop this minivan from Hell **NOW!** I gotta piss!

 **Bulma:** **EXCUSE ME??** I will NOT be taking orders from the likes of YOU! You can hold it! We've only got 75 more miles till the fill-up station. And watch your mouth!!

 **Vegeta:** ....

: _Vegeta had done more damage than originally thought because now, little light bulbs went on over the other saiya-jins present..._ :

 **Goten:** DAD!!

 **Trunks:** PAPA!!!

 **Goten and Trunks:** WE GOTTA PEE TOO!!!

 **Goku:** Chi Chi... I gotta go too...

 **Bulma and Chi Chi:** : _sigh_ : Boys

 **Goku, Goten, and Trunks:** : _not quite in unison_: **I GOTTA PEE! I GOTTA GO! NOW! I CAN'T HOLD IT!**

: _Vegeta began banging his head against the window_ :

 **Vegeta to himself:** At least that baka forgot about prodding into my personal affairs

: _But then Vegeta realized he really DID need to pee..._ :

 **Vegeta:** Errggghhhh....

 **Goku:** What'sa matter?

 **Vegeta:** I gotta piss you numskull!

Bulma looks into the rearview again and see's all four guys squirming with their legs tightly crossed. A sideways glance at Chi Chi and she decided the boys could wait the 75 long, grueling miles on the interstate.....

Five long, torturous {they just drove by a huge waterfall} minutes later....

 **Vegeta:** That's IT! I can't wait any longer!

: _Vegeta starts opening his window_ :

 **Goku:** Hey?! What'cha gonna do Vegeta?

 **Vegeta:** **I'M GONNA TAKE A PISS RIGHT OUT THIS WINDOW!!**

 **Goku:** Heh heh! That's a good idea! Come on boys! Open the back window!

: _Trunks and Goten pop open the back hatch window while Goku opens his own window_ :

 **Bulma:** Vegeta!! Don't you do it! I mean it! Close that window NOW! Don't you **DARE** embarrass me like that!

 **Chi Chi:** **GOKU!** Don't tell those kids to do that! Close that window NOW!

 **Teary-eyed guys:** **SHUT UP BROADS!! WE'RE TAKING THINGS IN OUR OWN HANDS!** _[author note: Pun definitely intended ^_~]_

To Bulma and Chi Chi's horror, the guys whipped 'em out, stuck 'em out the windows, and proceeded to urinate out three sides of the moving minivan.

Mortified, Bulma sped up to 95 mph, hoping that the look of this situation was better on the outside than inside, but knew that couldn't be so. What would a cop say if he saw penises poking out various windows of a van??

 **Bulma:** **Faster!** Go faster! Hurry up and finish already!! **Someone will see**!!

Hysterical laughing erupted in the back of the van as the undignified guys finally finished and started suiting back up.

They left the windows open, explaining to Bulma :Just in case we get another emergency: Smirks on all their faces at having successfully embarrassed the ladies

 **Vegeta:** Hey woman! Why didn't we just fly?

 **Bulma:** I have no idea... it certainly would have made this a _hell_ of a lot easier on me........ 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The trip continues with a stop for breakfast...

Well shaken from the "peeing" incident, Bulma spied a Denny's and got off the interstate highway for some breakfast and a cup of much needed coffee.

**Vegeta** : Denny's? What sort of eatery is this?

**Bulma** : It's good Vegeta! You can order breakfast food at any time of the day here!  
 _{Denny's ad pops up "Grand Slam $1.99"}_

**Vegeta** : Why would I want to do that??

Goku playfully punches Vegeta on the shoulder.  
 **Goku** : Come on Vegeta! Have a little fun! I _loooooove_ sausage!  
:: _starts drooling_ ::

Vegeta shakes his head wearily. At least it wasn't a McDonald's...

**Trunks** : Mom!! Can I order 10 Grand Slams??

**Goten** : Okaasan!! I want **sevenTEEN** grand slams!!!  
The boys start pushing each other around.

Chi Chi looks at Bulma, concerned. Bulma only nods and holds up 6 credit cards between her fingers.

**Bulma** : Don't worry, I've got you covered.

**Chi Chi** : Well... That'll cover Goten... but it's Goku I'm worried about.  
Chi Chi looks down at her lap and twiddles her thumbs. Bulma pulls out a sheet of paper from her purse and hands it to Chi Chi.

**Bulma** : I took out a small loan from my Dad. I figured it oughta feed Goku and Mr. High-and-Mighty at least one decent meal.

Chi Chi's jaw drops as she reads the amount scribbled on the paper.

**Chi Chi** : ..... Yyyyyeah... I... I suppose so  
{ _smiles at Bulma_ }  
*Cha-CHING*

Bulma parks the van and everyone more or less pours out of the vehicle through various orifices. Bulma sighs and leads the small army to the door to the Denny's, then holds it open. As Vegeta walks by, she smacks his butt and winks at him.

**Bulma** : Nice ass

Vegeta only grumbles, walking through the doorway while rubbing his stinging rump.

**Goku to Vegeta** : Is Bulma unhappy with you? I know Chi Chi always hits me when she's... what does she call it? Oh, yeah, "unsatisfied". Whatever that's supposed to mean.

**Vegeta** : Oh Kami Kakarotto, **get away from me**!

******

The group is seated and after much deliberation, the waitress asks for their orders.

**Vegeta** : I'll have a cup of coffee, milk, 35 Grand Slams, and 4 Farmer's omelets.

**Goku** : Better make that 2

**Goten and Trunks** : 20 Grand Slams!! And lots of MILK!!!!

**Chi Chi** : { _sighs_ } I'll have a glass of orange juice, raisin bran, and an english muffin. Strawberry jam please.

**Bulma** : And I'll have the Slim Slam with a cup of coffe, double-caf.

**Waitress** : Ma'am... about this order...

**Bulma** : It's a lot, I know. Can you manage 100 Grand Slams?

**Waitress** : Oh, that's not the problem. It's _your_ order...

**Bulma** : Huh?

**Waitress** : I don't know what you mean by "double-caf"... We have regular, _decaf_ , Irish cream, fresh, 2 day old, French roast, Jamaican Java, ....  
The waitress' list continued long and far  
Bulma sighs.

**Bulma** : I just want _double_ the caffeine. Just... throw a handful of grounds in a cup of 2 day old coffee or something.

**Waitress** : .... Riiiiiight.......  
{ _Waitress leaves shaking her head_ }

Vegeta pokes Bulma in the ribs

**Bulma** : What do you want?

**Vegeta** : Slimmmmmmmmmm Slam, eh?  
{ _chuckles_ }  
Bulma squints at Vegeta

**Vegeta** : Hey Kakarotto, lean your third-class ear over here.  
{ _whispers to Goku_ }

**Goku** : BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Who ever heard of a SLIM Slam??! HAHAHAHA!!  
Vegeta chortles in the background as Bulma seethes with anger.

**Vegeta to Goku, but loudly** : She thinks it won't make her fat, but it's way too late for that. Gravity hasn't been too kind to her after I graciously gave her that brat over there.

Goku and Vegeta laugh their heads off

**Bulma** : VEGETA!!!!

**Chi Chi** : Goku! Don't laugh! It only encourages him!

Goku chuckles and pats Chi Chi on the arm.

**Goku** : We're just having a little fun!

Bulma is mouthing profanities at Vegeta and he just smiles. He turns to face Goku, his cheek to Bulma, and proceeds to scratch an eyebrow with his middle finger.

Bulma was _just_ about to get up and punch Vegeta in the mouth when the waitress stepped beside her.

**Waitress** : We have your food! Here's your _coffee_

As tray after tray of loaded Grand Slams were brought to their table, Bulma brought a mug to her lips and took a dainty sip. First her eyes bugged out, then her face squinched up and contorted into a horrific sight. She stuck her tongue out as her skin turned green. After a minute in this state, she returned to her pale white color and calmly asked for the sugar.

**Chi Chi** : { _groan_ } They gave me Strawberry **_jelly_**! Now I have to wait for the waitress to come back...

**Goku** : Don't worry! I've gotcha covered!

**Chi Chi** : Huh?  
And with that, Goku bolted out the door. Everyone sitting around the table looked at each other and just blinked.

*5 minutes later*

**Goku** : Here you go Hon! { _huff_ } { _puff_ }

**Chi Chi** : Thank you Goku! Wow, this looks exactly like what I've got at home!

**Goku** : { _pant_ } It should! That's where I got it from!  
Vegeta's face proceeds to smash into his 24th platter of food.

**Vegeta** : { _voice muffled by fluffy half-eaten pancake_ } Oh Kami

*****

As Bulma paid for the bill, the saiya-jins prepared to exit the restaurant.

**Bulma** : Aren't you boys forgetting something?

**Goku** : Huh?

**Trunks & Goten**: What?

**Vegeta** : Bloody-

**Bulma** : The bathroom! Go use the bathroom before we leave!

**All the Guys** : We **JUST** went!!

**Vegeta** : Besides, we've got the windows if we need 'em

The man behind the counter gave Bulma a strange look  
Bulma covered her face with a hand

**Bulma** : Don't ask

*65 miles later*

*

*

*

*

*

**Vegeta** : Quit it

**Goku** : What?

**Vegeta** : Quit it

**Goku** : What?

**Vegeta** : I told you to turn it off!

**Goku** : Quit it

**Vegeta** : That's what _I_ was saying!

**Goku** : What?

**Vegeta** : Turn the frickin volume off of that damn contraption **NOW**!!

**Goku** : Why?  
Goku presses buttons on his Gameboy and then places it beside Vegeta's ear. A simple electronic beep came out.

**Vegeta** : What the hell is **that** supposed to be?? You're driving me insane Kakarotto!!

**Goku** : { _proudly_ }That's Pikachu's call!  
Vegeta smacks his hand to his forehead

*10 minutes later*

**Vegeta** : That Kami forsaken Poké-music is **killing** me!!! Turn it off!

**Goku** : What?

**Vegeta** : GRRRRRRRRR!!!!!

**Bulma** : Vegeta! Settle down! It's time for a nap I think.

Vegeta grumbles, but leans his head against the window and closes his eyes. Presently, the audio-torture stopped. Vegeta was about to open his eyes and see what Goku was up to, when he felt the saiya-jin in question snuggling up against him.

**Vegeta** : Get **_OFF_** me you buffoon!!  
Goku jerked his head off of Vegeta's shoulder looking shocked.

Vegeta only grumbled. He settled back into his sleeping position and mumbled a "Thank you."

87 5/8 miles later, Bulma checked her rearview mirror. There was Vegeta leaning against the window... and Goku was curled up against him.

**Bulma** : { _softly_ } Aw Chi Chi... look at 'em!

**Chi Chi** : { _sigh_ }


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Back on the road, the boys keep themselves busy...

_"Another one bites the dust, another one bites the dust..."_  
Bulma sings pleasantly along with the radio. Aside from the public indecency, she thought the trip was going along reasonably well. Er... sort of

**Chi Chi** : { _sigh_ } Queen just doesn't compare to Sir Mix-a-lot.  
 _Vegeta, still lying against the window pretending to be asleep, jumped unnoticeably..._  
 **Vegeta to himself** : Certainly she won't-

**Bulma** : Why Chi Chi, do you like big butts?

**Chi Chi** : { _rolls eyes_ } I just think that "Baby Got Back" has more rhythm than "Another one bites the dust"

**Vegeta to himself** : { _bites lip_ } Oh Kami, when will we ever get to where ever the hell we're headed to??

The women continued to discuss the differences between Queen and the Sir's music while Vegeta continued to feign sleep, counting the passing cars.

30 minutes later...

The sirens and flashing lights behind the van shocked Bulma and she promptly pulled over. The officer approached her, slightly amused at her bewildered look.

**Bulma** : Is something the matter, officer?  
 _[a/n: doesn't everybody say that?]_

**Officer** : I should think so. License and registration, please.

Bulma fished around for the items and handed them to the man. When he had left, Bulma asked Chi Chi if she knew why he had pulled them over.

**Chi Chi** : I have no idea! You weren't speeding...

**Bulma** : No. They weren't peeing again, were they?

**Chi Chi** : Not that I know of

**Bulma** : Hmm!

Inaudible to them, Vegeta was snickering in the back seat. And would you know, Goku was still snuggled fast asleep against him.

**Officer** : I'm just going to give you a warning this time, seeing as I like the way your voluptuous breasts are almost about to pop out of your blouse. Next time, I won't be so lenient.

Bulma threw her arms around her chest and thrust her face out of the window.

**Bulma** : **What is that supposed to mean???**

**Officer** : { _speaking slowly_ } Next.... time... I.... won't.... be... so... len...i...ent...

Bulma cocked a fist back as if to punch him in the face, then remembered her vulnerable bosom, and returned her arm.

**Bulma** : **WHY** did you pull me over??

**Officer** : Well, I don't know about where _you_ come from, but around here, that's offensive

**Bulma** : What?? My BREASTS???

**Officer** : Now ma'am, please don't be so hostile. Don't act so dumb either. I saw you myself.

**Bulma** : [ _quite exasperated_ ] **DOING WHAT?????**

**Officer** : Obscenely gesturing

_Bulma's face slams into the steering wheel_

**Officer** : One of your passengers has been flipping little kids off and making crude, dirty gestures to women

Bulma got one of those looks on her face where one eye gets really really tiny and the other is about to bug outta her face. Slowly, she turned around in her seat to look back at Vegeta. He slowed his breathing and kept up his act of "sleeping." Bulma was not fooled, but rather than embarrass herself further, she turned back to the officer.

**Bulma** : I'm so very sorry, officer. It won't happen again...

**Officer** : Thank you for your time ma'am. Have a nice day.

**Bulma** : Yeah....

Bulma pulled back onto the interstate, flowing rather well with the traffic.

**Vegeta to himself** : _One, two, th-_

**Bulma** : **VEGETA!!!** Why do you have to make this trip so difficult for me?!?! **What has gotten into you??**

**Vegeta** : Occupying my limitless time, woman  
 _He proceeds to give her one of his "crude, dirty gestures"_

Chi Chi holds her hands to her face

**Chi Chi** : Why do you even _bother_ , Bulma? **What** possessed you to sleep with him in the first place?

**Bulma** : { _grmble_ } { _mmble_ } { _grmble_ }

**Goten to Trunks** : { _awake now from their own nap_ } That bunch has more problems than _we_ do

**Trunks** : What would _you_ know? You're only 7

_Goten sticks his tongue out at Trunks_  
 **Goten** : You're only _eight_

**Goku** : What's going on here? Did I miss something? A meal, perhaps?

**Chi Chi** : No, Goku, just some of Vegeta's absurdity

**Goku** : Oh, nothing new then { _anime smile_ }

**Trunks to Goten** : Hey, let's look for some whip cream back here in the suitcases!

**Goten** : Yeah! Hee hee!

_The boys dig around, rifling through everyone's luggage looking for any whip cream._

**Bulma** : Vegeta! I can see you through the rear view mirror! **Stop** doing that!

**Bulma** : I saw you the **first** time you did that!

**Bulma** : { _sighs_ } Pretending to jack off wasn't even funny the _first_ time

Bulma fiddles with her mirror and ignored Vegeta's remaining "crude, dirty gestures"

**Chi Chi** : **GOKU!!** Where did you learn that from??

**Bulma** : { _smacks hand to forehead_ } Ve- **GETA**... Why must you infect Goku with your perversion??

**Chi Chi** : Goku!! Stop that! It's unbecoming for the "Savior of the Galaxy"

**Chi Chi** : No NO NO! That's even **worse**!! VEGETA!! Where's my frying pan when I need it?!?!

Goku and Vegeta slap each high five and snicker.

**Vegeta** : Sometimes you can be amusing, Kakarotto

**Goku** : { _smiles_ } I love you too, Vegeta!

**Vegeta** : { _grumble_ }

**Goten** : Hey... What's _this_?

**Trunks** : Huh? That? { _eyes go huge_ } Oh shit Goten! Put that away! **GROSS**!!

Of course, Goten paid him no attention

**Goten** : **Okaasan** , what's this?  
Goten holds up a black teddy

If you thought Chi Chi was embarrassed _earlier_ , you haven't seen nothin' yet!

Chi Chi opened her mouth as if to say something... but nothing came out.  
Vegeta's face turned green and he shoved Goku off of him, all playfulness gone  
Bulma merely chuckled, while Goku looked completely confused

**Trunks** : Put it **down** , Goten!! NASTY!!  
Goten now held it with just his thumb and forefinger

**Goku** : Let me see that, son.  
Goku took the flimsy garment from Goten and inspected it carefully. He turned it over in his hands, tugged lightly at the seams, and even sniffed it.

**Vegeta** : Oh Kami Kakarotto, don't you know what it is? Or are you _that_ stupid?

**Goku** : It's Chi Chi's favorite nighty...

Chi Chi cowers on the floorboard of the van, too embarrassed to even care about car safety.

**Vegeta** : Put that foul garment back before I puke all over you Kakarotto

**Goku** : Hey Chi Chi! I thought I tore this one up? Didn't you hit me over the head with your frying pan for it?  
 **Goku to Vegeta** : She was screaming my name the entire time... she gives me so many mixed messages { _sigh_ }

**Chi Chi** : { _bright red_ } ....

**Goku to Vegeta** : She told me that it would be impossible to sew back together. She was really pissed about it.

**Vegeta** : { _rolls eyes_ } Why are you telling _me_ about this? Maybe she just bought another one

Bulma looks over at Chi Chi

**Chi Chi** : ...

**Vegeta** : Really, Kakarotto, don't you know anything about discretion?

**Goten** : Hey! Look! Another one! It's red!

Vegeta face vaults out of his seat

Chi Chi sat back in her seat, and turned to look. Everyone (except of course, Vegeta) was completely confused.

**Bulma** : Whose is _that_? Chi Chi?

**Chi Chi** : ... not mine...

Slowly, the three adults turned in Vegeta's direction. He was covering his face with his arms and his face was deep red.

**Bulma** : Hand it to me, Goten.

While continuing to operate the vehicle, Bulma found a tag on the teddy.  
  
 _To: Woman_  
From: Prince Vegeta of the Saiya-jins  
Maybe this will fix the problem

**Bulma** : Er... Is this for _me_ Vegeta?

**Vegeta** : { _gulp_ } Yeah...

**Bulma** : Wow! I loooove red! { _winks at Vegeta_ } Somebody's been a naughty prince

**Vegeta** : { _blushes wildly_ } Er....

**Chi Chi** : *ahem* Well, if we could put these away...

The articles are flung to the back of the van and Goten catches them.

**Goten to Trunks** : Whoa, they must get pretty cold wearing these. Nothing to cover up with

Trunks just sighs and continues looking for whip cream, though more carefully this time 

 


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The gang chomps down on suggestive cookies and gets a visit from some old friends. Freeza is taking a joyride with Zarbon, Dodoria, and Cell and they're looking for their favorite play boy, Vegeta. Will they have to resort to a lesser but more willing saiya-jin?

Vegeta ran his fingers through his hair, frowned at his receding hair line, and sighed. He decided that family trips were just too stressful for him.

**Goku** : * _crunch_ * * _munch_ * * _crunch_ * Mmmmm..... { _smiles_ }Chi Chi, these fortune cookies are delicious! Mmmmmm * _munch_ * * _crunch_ *

Vegeta looked over at his saiya-jin comrade and saw a pile of discarded, unread fortunes. He daintily picked one up and read it to himself

_"Kiss your lover's body; spare no inch"_

With a disgusted grimace, Vegeta flicked the strip of paper away and saw the box for the "special" cookies:

"Fantasy Cookies"  
 _Unwrap Your Desires_

**Chi Chi** : Hey Bulma, did it sound like Vegeta was puking back there?

**Bulma** : I dunno, probably was

**Chi Chi** : Hmmm

{ _Spraying noises and giggling from back of van_ }

**Trunks** : FINALLY. That was re-goddamn-diculous  
{ _spraying noise_ }  
 **Trunks** : { _muffled voice_ } Why'd they have to hide it behind the foreplay cookies?  
{ _spraying noise_ }

**Goten** : { _muffled_ } Hmmm?

**Trunks** : Never mind...  
{ _Goten starts choking_ }

**Bulma** : Kami, Goten { _Trunks rolls his eyes_ }

Trunks reaches a fist down Goten's throat and fishes around.

**Trunks** : ah HA!

Trunks rips a thong outta Goten's mouth...

**Goten** : Musta been too close to the can of whip cream... { _sweatdrops_ }

**Trunks** : For the love of Kami... isn't there any booze around here??

Vegeta tossed his head back, taking a generous swig from his secret flask

**Vegeta** : { _muttering_ } Stupid brats

As Vegeta lowered his head, something outside the window caught his eye. In fact, Vegeta did a double-take.

**Vegeta** : { _again muttering_ } Oh no, no, no, **Hell** no... Kami save me... This just isn't frickin' fair....

Howling is heard and a car honks its horn at the van. Bulma looks to her left and...

**Bulma** : JESUS!! Look who it is!!

**Goku** : Jesus, perhaps?

In a red convertible was Freeza, Zarbon, Dodoria, and Cell. They're gesturing wildly and yelling for Vegeta. Vegeta scrunched down in his seat and covered the side of his face with his hand. The hooping continued.

**Bulma** : No, I don't want to! Eww! Fine!

Bulma reaches out her window

**Bulma** : Here Vegeta! Yuk

She flings a pair of panties over her shoulder in the general direction of Vegeta. With his thumb and forefinger, Vegeta held the gruesome article up

**Vegeta** : { _grumbling_ } Musta been Dodoria's...

Written in beautiful penmanship on the panties was this:

_My dear Vegeta,_  
Do join us, we've missed you so! Have you so quickly forgotten all the wonderful evenings we spent together on my ship all those years ago? Zarbon's been giggling like a little school girl. He says to tell you his spandex is itching him...  
  
Love Truly,  
Freeza

Clambering over Goku, Vegeta made his way to the other side of the van and opened the window. With an irritated growl Vegeta pitched the "message" onto the highway.

Looking from the highway for just a second, Freeza turned to Vegeta and blew him a kiss. Furious, Vegeta crawled halfway out the window and screamed:

**Vegeta** : If you at least **had** a dick, I'd tell you to go fu- _er_ **screw** yourself!!

Freeza giggled

**Freeza** : But that's what **you** were for, Veggie dear

Cell stuck his tongue out, Zarbon winked incessantly at Vegeta, and Dodoria squirmed (probably at the lack of underwear)

Goku grabbed Vegeta's legs so he wouldn't fall onto the blacktop while one insult and obscenity after another spewed from the fuming ex-prince.

Just as Vegeta was about to lose all sense of mind and blow the whole infuriating mess up to kingdom come... Freeza slowed the car -- slightly

**Freeza** : Ewww... is that-

**Zarbon** : RADDITZ!!

**Freeza** : Yummy!

**Cell** : Radditz? Is he any good?

**Dodoria** : Well, he's Goku's _older_ brother -- the masculine type

**Cell** : Ohhh... just what we need { _Cell adjusts his pantyhose_ }

**Freeza** : Don't worry, you'll get used to those { _lays hand on Cell's knee_ }

Vegeta climbs back into the vehicle before he saw any more...

The convertible pulled over and picked up the unsuspecting, hitchhiking Radditz.

**Radditz** : Er... hello fellows... { _looks unsure about what to call the estranged group_ } thanks for picking me up. Where ya headed?  
{ _Radditz is forced to sit in the back between Zarbon and Dodoria_ }

**Freeza** : Wherever the wind takes us, Radditz dear { _winks_ }

**Radditz** : { _quivering_ } Uhhh...

 

******

**Vegeta** : Serves the moron right. Getting me stuck on this hell hole of a planet...

**Goku** : Wow, their clothes are really... strange

**Vegeta** : { _talking slowly and sweetly_ } Maybe when you get older you'll understand such things { _pats Goku on the head_ }

**Goku** : Thanks Vegeta! { _smiles_ } Wanna cookie?

**Vegeta** : Sure, why-frickin-not...

**Goku** : I went through ten before I realized that they have paper in them...

**Vegeta** : Where did you get these _anyways_?

**Goku** : The kids back there, they said that Chi Chi would really like them, but she's been ignoring me after the lingerie ordeal

**Vegeta** : Hmph

After a few minutes

**Vegeta** : Wasn't that your brother they kidnapped?

**Goku** : Huh? Brother? Kidnapped?

**Vegeta** : Big stout fellow, long hair. Was always lookin’ at my ass. Remember him? Your _long lost brother_...

**Goku** : Him? I thought I killed him { _looks confused_ }

**Vegeta** : { _sighs_ } That's not the point, Kakarotto. Anything is possible on this trek to hell from hell on the highway to hell.

**Goku** : Oh, of course. I forgot { _smiles_ }

**Vegeta** : { _sighs_ } Hand me another cookie 


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The demi saiya-jins continue to create mischief by rifling through the luggage. This time, Chi Chi is angry!

**Trunks** : Hey Goten, why didn't your brother come along?

**Goten** : He said something about Piccolo taking him out to some weird club, "enrich" him or somethin'

**Trunks** : "Enrich"?

**Goten** : Yeah, he said that I'm not supposed to tell, but it's called "Gentleman's Playground"

Trunks hitched an eyebrow up, Goten only shrugged.

**Goten** : That's all he told me. That, and he and Piccolo had to go to the bank to get smaller bills, but can't clubs give change?

**Trunks** : Err...

**Goten** : * _sigh_ * I wish I coulda gone with them, it's so boring in this van.

**Trunks** : Heh, I'd like to go too

**Vegeta** : You brats shut up. They wouldn't let you in

**Goten** : * _upset_ * Why not??

**Vegeta** : Because you're too young for a peep show, that's why!

**Bulma** : Vegeta! Calm down. In a couple hours, we'll stop for some lunch.

**Vegeta** : * _grmble_ * * _mmble_ *

**Trunks** : Come on Goten, let's see if we can find anything else to play with back here

* _Suitcase rifling ensues_ *

Vegeta turned sorta sideways in the bench seat, crossed his arms, and closed his eyes. Goku did the same, instead putting a fist under his chin.

**Bulma** : ... so anyways, I thought, "What the hell, I'll take it!"

**Chi Chi** : No! You didn't!

**Bulma** : * _proudly smiles_ * Yep! The old geezer didn't even realize it was missing.

**Chi Chi** : I can't believe you took it! Or, that you were actually **there**!

**Bulma** : Well, I hadn't seen the Turtle Hermit in so long, and I left a 5/8 wrench at his house, so I stopped by real quick.

**Chi Chi** : And.... **it** was laying right there?

**Bulma** : "It" and several **other** volumes of "Kama Sutra: Extreme"

**Chi Chi** : * _shakes head_ * So, is it... any good?

**Bulma** : Well, a couple poses are pretty hard, especially when considering the "man power" I'm working with

**Chi Chi** : Maybe... you'd let me and Goku borrow it sometime?

**Bulma** : Sure thing! You'll definitely have to try-

_Their conversation lengthened considerably...._

 

*******

 

* _Plink_ *

Vegeta, still asleep, wrinkled his nose

* _Plink_ *

Again, something bounced off of Vegeta's face and he twitched in his sleep

* _Plink_ * * _Plink_ *

**Goten** : { _whispers_ } What if he wakes up?

**Trunks** : { _whispers_ } Who cares. This is too fun!

* _Plink_ *

**Goten** : { _whispers_ } Look! They're really piling up on him!

* _Plink_ *

**Trunks** : * _giggles_ * Did you see that face?!

* _Plink_ *

Trunks notices Goku asleep with his mouth gaping open...  
 **Trunks** : { _whispers_ } Hey, I've got an idea

* _PLUNK_ *

**Goten** : { _loudly whispers_ } Trunks! Oh no!

Vegeta stirs in his sleep, then opens one eye, not yet noticing his own predicament.

**Vegeta** : Kakarotto.... you've got something in your big mouth

Goku jumps to consciousness, closing his mouth, thus choking on the object. Nearly hacking up a lung, Goku coughed "it" up -- and it smacked Vegeta on the side of the face. Disgusted, Vegeta reached a hand up to his cheek, now seeing the stockpile in his lap. Eyes wide, he peeled the plastic square off his face and looked at it.

**Vegeta** : { _In a hell's fury of a passion_ } **Where the hell did you get condoms?? And WHY am I covered in them?!?!**

Trunks and Goten huddle down on the floor, quivering in fear.

**Bulma** : * _sigh_ * { _to herself_ } There is something obviously wrong with this family...

**Bulma** : Trunks honey, what have you been doing?

*No response*

**Vegeta** : I'll tell you what they're doing woman! Throwing _prophylactics_ at me, that's what!!

**Chi Chi** : Where, uh, did they come from?

**Bulma** : I dunno

**Chi Chi** : I dunno!

**Goku** : Huh?

**Vegeta** : I don't know

**Goten & Trunks**: { _sobbing loudly_ } WE FOUND 'EM IN A SUITCASE!!

**Bulma** : ..... Obviously someone's not telling us everything... But no matter. Clean them up and settle down.

**Vegeta** : Hmph

**Goku** : Come on Vegeta, do you want me to take them off of you?

**Vegeta** : ....

**Goku** : * _sigh_ *

Goku picks the contraceptives off of Vegeta's lap one by one and tosses them to the back of the van.

 

*******

 

23 miles down the road

Uranai Baba* appears outside Goku's window.

**Goku** : Whoa! Hey there!

**Uranai Baba** : Goku! You must hurry! A terrible evil is rampaging through the southern part of the country!

**Goku** : Oh no! I'm right on it!

And with that, Goku placed two fingers to his temple and then disappeared.

**Vegeta** : Hmph

**Bulma** : Jealous, dear?

**Vegeta** : Oh shut up woman

**Goten** : Man, I wish I could go too...

**Trunks** : I bet he's havin' lots of fun vanquishing villains for the common good of the earth and its inhabitants

**Goten** : Yeah! And killing the bad guys to save the world!

**Trunks** : That's what I just said

**Goten** : Huh?

**Trunks** : ....

5 minutes later they pass by an ornate religious billboard.

**Goten** : Okaasan! That sign says I'm going to HFIL! I don't wanna!!

**Chi Chi** : Oh honey, don't pay any attention to that

**Trunks** : Hey, it changed! Right in front of my eyes! Now it says "HELL"... What do the letters in HELL spell out, Mama?

**Bulma** : Errrr.... maybe when you get a little older I'll explain it to you. I don't want to hear that word come out of your mouth again, either.

**Just then** , Goku teleports back into the van.

**Vegeta** : So slaphead, what was it this time? A gigantic ogre? The galaxy's forgotten fiend? Another unknown, dastardly relative? The Anti-Christ??

**Goku** : No... Some company was bombarding the US's youth with sheltered, censored, and otherwise butchered "entertainment" -- tainting the names of several people and characters of which I won't mention.

**Vegeta** : * _blink_ *

**Bulma** : * _blink_ *

**Chi Chi** : * _blink_ *

**Goten & Trunks**: * _blink_ * * _blink_ *

**Vegeta** : You either talk like a complete moron or give such an eloquent dissertation that I have to actually pay attention...

**Goku** : Well, you know how it is

**Vegeta** : ....

**Goku** : It was a tough battle. Not even my Genki Dama phased it.

**Goten** : How'd you do it, then?

**Goku** : I merely whipped out the naked pictures of young Gohan. It caught them off guard, without their image editing resources and bush-drawing tools

**Vegeta** : * _groans_ *

**Chi Chi** : Hmmmmm, interesting

**Goku** : And so, I've finally restored hell's self-image. Did you know that my now-vanquished foe was the cause for the confusion of HFIL and HELL?

**Bulma** : Ooooooohhhhhh.....

Goku smiles

**Bulma** : I'd still like to know who's Trojans those were

**Chi Chi** : I really have no clue

**Goten** : We found them in Gohan's suitcase

Chi Chi face vaults, jumps up, turns dark red, and gets the meanest, most evil and heinous look on her face

**Bulma** : What's his suitcase doing here if he's with Piccolo? On a trip to see the Grand Canyon

**Chi Chi** : I... brought a bag along in case he changed his mind

**Bulma** : So you packed **condoms** for him??

**Chi Chi** : **CERTAINLY NOT!!**

**Bulma** : * _sigh_ *

**Chi Chi** : Someone has set him up! My sweet Gohan would never do such a thing!

**Vegeta** : Maybe you haven't noticed since you're such a bitchy, ill tempered, annoying woman, but your brat **is** a 16 year old male. Half saiya-jin at that.

**Chi Chi** : * _blinks_ * ..... Goku?

**Goku** : Uh.... What can I say, hon? Gohan's a teenager { _scratches back of his head_ }

**Chi Chi** : .... WAAAAAAHHHH!!!

Chi Chi proceeds to ball her eyes out.

**Chi Chi** : I... * _sniffle_ * can't believe... * _sharp inhale_ * ...that Piccolo * _Wah!_ * ...LIED TO ME!! **WWWWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!**

**Goku** : Oh come on, dear...

**Chi Chi** : That green giant has corrupted our son!! * **WAIL!!** *

**Trunks** : You shoulda just kept your mouth shut

**Goten** : But! - But! It's TRUE!

A car honks its horn from far behind the van

**Trunks** : Hey... let's have some fun with **this** guy! 


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gohan and Piccolo make their appearance and the group stops at a southern classic: Golden Corral!

**Vegeta** : Look at that, will you! That moron behind us is driving like he's drunk

**Goku** : The car looks really familiar...

**Vegeta** : _Everything_ looks familiar to  you Kakarotto

The car in question shortened the gap between them, but the driver still was not visible.

* * * *

**Trunks** : Psst... Goten! Come on!

Trunks pulls his pants down and Goten follows suit

* * * *

**Vegeta** : Ha! Look what's hanging on their mirror!

Lo and behold, a black frilly bra was hooked around the passenger side rear view mirror.

**Chi Chi** : Bulma... Why don't you speed up a bit?

**Bulma** : Nonsense! I was here first!

* * * *

**Trunks** : Alright Goten, you ready?

**Goten** : Uh huh!

And with that, the two boys pressed their pale butt cheeks against the back window.

**Bulma** : Trunks!!

**Chi Chi** : Goten!!!

**Bulma & Chi Chi**: Pull your pants up **NOW**!!

**Trunks & Goten**: Bwahahahahahahaha HAHAHA!!!

They _eventually_ complied with their mothers’ demand (hey, they couldn't reach them from the front seat!). Bulma and Chi Chi had forgotten about the car behind them after their sons' behavior and unfortunately the car was now up alongside the van. The driver blew the horn again.

**Bulma** : Huh?

Bulma turns to her left to see the passenger...

**Gohan** : * _slurred_ * Errrrr..... heyyyyyy Buuuuuuulma * _glazed eyes_ * Is that.... Ma with you?

**Bulma** : Uh.... Gohan... Are you... drunk?

**Gohan** : * _takes a swig from a huge bottle in a paper bag_ * I've never drank in my li....ife

**Chi Chi** : * _furious_ * **GOHAN**!! WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN DOING??

**Gohan** : Well er.... you seeeeeee... Picc- uh... Picc _olo_ heeeeeere took me to have some _real_ funnnnnnn

Piccolo waves pleasantly to Bulma and Chi Chi from the driver's seat.

**Chi Chi** : Piccolo?! How dare you get my baby inebriated!!!

**Gohan** : * _slurred_ * Im...pregnated? No no noooo.... That's what he did

**Chi Chi** : Huh?! * _utterly confused_ *

**Piccolo** : You Knoooooow..... you silly woman

**Chi Chi** : What?!

**Gohan** : Ma.... you took my rub-bers

**Chi Chi** : Your.... what?

**Gohan** : I.... I... uh * _looks confused, takes another drink_ * OH! I put them in my suitcase *pitch gets higher* and then you took it and I had to repack

**Chi Chi** : But... huh?! * _STILL confused_ *

**Vegeta** : Jeez! Look -- what the smashed Namek and your brat are trying to say is that Gohan got some wench pregnant because you inadvertently took his condoms! * _shakes head and sighs_ *

**Chi Chi** : WHAT?!?! Is this true Gohan??

**Gohan** : What? * _takes another sip_ *

**Chi Chi** : Quit drinking that RIGHT NOW!!

**Gohan** : I'm really thirsty.... * _takes yet another drink_ *

Chi Chi bursts into tears for the unknown-th time this trip.

**Gohan** : Man Piccolo ... I gotta pissssss....

**Piccolo** : Welllll.... whaddya want me to do?

**Gohan** : Uh... I... dunno...

**Vegeta** : * _yells out window_ * Just piss out the window, moron

**Gohan** : Whoa!

Gohan wrestles around in his seat till he was facing the window and had successfully pulled his pants down. ( _And of course as an attentive reader you will recall that this would be the side of the car facing the van_ )

**Bulma** : Gohan?!

**Chi Chi** : NOO!! * _covers crimson face_ *

**Goku** : Congratulations son, you finally grew in to your feet!

Vegeta takes a swig from a flask and looks out his own window.  
 **Vegeta** : I did not want to see that....

**Goten** : Whoa Mom! Do you see that?

**Trunks** : Mama! Is this what you meant when you said me and Goten would grow bigger when we got as old as Gohan?

**Bulma** : * _looking dead ahead_ * Uh.......

Gohan contentedly urinated out of the car's window, oblivious to the embarrassment he was causing.

Chi Chi has taken to wailing while intermittingly banging her head against the dashboard.

**Goku** : Hey Chi Chi! Why are you so upset? We're gonna be grandparents!

Chi Chi emits a high pitched shriek and finally passed out.

**Vegeta** : Thank **GOD** that woman **FINALLY** shut up! Other woman! Take the next exit and stop at the Golden Corral

**Bulma** : ?! I have a name, you know

**Vegeta** : You are not worthy of being called anything other than what you are

**Bulma** : You know, moaning out "Bulma" rather than "woman" certainly would make me more cooperative

**Vegeta** : Wha-?!

Bulma sticks her tongue out at Vegeta. Vegeta commences his mixture of grumbles and muttered obscenities.

Piccolo's car was still driving beside the van.

**Piccolo** : Is... uh... What's her name, Gohan? Oh yeah... is Chi Chi okay?

**Bulma** : She'll... be all right, I suppose. We're gonna stop at the Golden Corral. Wanna follow?

**Piccolo** : Sure! I've always liked being behind

Bulma only shook her head wearily and drove towards the exit.

*******

In the restaurant's parking lot:

Gohan attempted to stand, failed, and decided to just lean against the car instead. Vegeta practically leaped out of the van, knocking over Trunks and Goten. He jumped up and down, stretching his muscles. Goku held Chi Chi as she finally came to.

**Goku** : You OK, hon?

**Chi Chi** : I.... no, but let's just eat * _sigh_ *

**Bulma** : Okay gang! Let's chow down! Heh heh, and it's a **_buffet_**. EAT ALL YA WANT!

**Piccolo** : I'll just have a glass of water, thank you. * _brow furrows_ * and maybe a nice Chianti. Or... atleast a beer...

**Vegeta** : I think you've had entirely enough alcohol Namek

**Piccolo** : Huh? No.... that would be my first drink

**Vegeta** : Then what's your problem??

**Piccolo** : Wellllllllll...... You seeeeeeeee.....-

**Vegeta** : That's **REALLY** getting on my *{ _explenative deleted_ }* nerves!

**Piccolo** : -the real pretty stripper convinced me to uh... buy this stuff from her and-

**Vegeta** : Oh, so you're not drunk, **YOU'RE STONED**??

**Piccolo** : Er.... uh... well- uh... I... guess

Piccolo grins at Vegeta

**Vegeta** : * _mutters_ * Stupid Namek

The odd group shuffled unceremoniously into the building. Vegeta looked at Bulma as he walked past, but this time she did not smack his rump.

**Vegeta** : Don't like my ass anymore? B-bullllMa? * _He pronounces the word slowly and cautiously, as if maybe it actually **was** the first time!_ *

**Bulma** : Get in the restaurant, wise ass

Vegeta continues through, picking up his grumbling where he left off.

The eight found a suitable table and spread out. After plates were distributed, 5 streaks flew by Bulma, Chi Chi, and Piccolo. In his intoxicated state, Gohan tripped on a thread in the carpet and smashed his face into the floor. He jumped up instantly; unphased due to the alcohol. Not unlike those cartoon termites that consume everything in a sawdust tornado, the _starving_ saiya-jins emptied the buffet of its sustenance.

**Chi Chi** : Bulma....

**Bulma** : * _covers face_ * I **know** they're gonna want a tip now

**Piccolo** : * _sips his Chianti_ * I've never noticed how multi-colored your hair is, Bulma

**Bulma** : Huh? It's only one color...

Piccolo gazed deeply into his glass, swirling the wine. Bulma saw that Piccolo's head was rotating slightly -- following the wine's path in the glass.

**Bulma** : Psst! Chi Chi -- how do you think Namek's are affected by alcohol? When they're high??

**Chi Chi** : Errrr.... I hope it's not too bad * _cringes_ *

**Piccolo** : Oh my gentle Jesu- I mean, Oh my sweet Kami -err Dende. You ladies **have** to feel this!! * _groans_ *

**Bulma & Chi Chi**: * _WIDE eyed like you wouldn't believe_ * ...... uh.....hh....

**Piccolo** : * _groans_ * It's remarkable... I'm gonna orgasm- and I don't even have any genitals...

**Bulma & Chi Chi**: .........

Piccolo had stripped his shoes off and was rubbing his bare feet on the food-stained carpet. 


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Vegeta takes the wheel, loses his ability to be obscene, and shares something with Goku...

As the dysfunctional group exited the restaurant, Bulma took one last look around to make sure they weren't leaving anything—or anybody—behind. Finally satisfied, she left earning a hard glare from the business's entire staff.

*****

In the parking lot:

**Vegeta** : Woman. Give me the keys.

**Bulma** : Why? Aren't the doors unlocked?

**Vegeta** : I'm going to drive from now on.

**Bulma** : HA HA! Now THAT's funny!

**Vegeta** : I'm serious! Now hand them over!! I'm sick of being the center of twisted entertainment.

**Bulma** : * _sigh_ * Okay. Fine. Here. { _Bulma throws the keys at Vegeta_ }

**Vegeta** : Come on Kakarotto. Get in. You're my navigator * _cringe_ * ...in title, at least

**Goku** : All right!! Cool Vegeta!!

Goku hops into the passenger side as Vegeta settles into the driver's seat. Bulma and Chi Chi grudgingly head to the back seat while Goten and Trunks clamber into the back storage.

Piccolo pokes his head in through Goku's open window.

**Piccolo** : Where ya guys headed now?

**Vegeta** : He-

**Bulma** : { _interrupts Vegeta_ } Our goal for today is to get to the state border.

**Piccolo** : Ohhh....

**Vegeta** : Don't bother talking to the Namek, he's smashed.

**Bulma** : { _ignoring Vegeta_ } So, you guys gonna tag along?

**Piccolo** : Nah. The weekend's still young. We're in search of more action.

**Vegeta** : Moron. It's Tuesday.

**Piccolo** : Weekend, weekday. Same difference.

**Chi Chi** : { _finally speaking up_ } Hand over my son!

**Piccolo** : Huh? I blew the moon up once—I’m not touching the sun.

**Chi Chi** : * _groans_ * This isn't happening...

And before Chi Chi could protest further, Gohan and Piccolo sped off in their Pinto. Vegeta notices something in the back of the vehicle as it left...

**Vegeta** : I don't believe this... I think they've got some inebriated wench in there with them.

Chi Chi face vaults.

**Chi Chi** : Oh my poor baby..... * _tears well up_ *

**Bulma** : Um, Chi Chi? Doesn't Gohan have a girlfriend? What does she think of all this?

**Chi Chi** : OH! * _WAILS_ * Videl.... oh no... now she'll never marry Gohan!! * _sobs uncontrollably_ *

**Vegeta** : * _groans_ * Here we go again...

**Goku** : Come on Vegeta, let's get out on the open road.

**Vegeta** : Fine...

Vegeta mumbles something about "wussy" and "stupid automatic transmission" after which he starts the van up and heads back to the endless interstate.

**Vegeta** : How difficult can this be? Cruise control is right... HEY! Woman!! Where the hell is the cruise control??

**Bulma** : Bwahahaha!! You think this piece of junk has cruise control?! HAHAHA HA!!

Vegeta grumbles more profanities and Bulma smiles sweetly at him.

**Bulma** : You insisted on driving!

**Vegeta** : Go fu-

**Bulma** : Stop that! No more of your filthy mouth, I mean it! Don't you dare utter another foul word!

**Vegeta** : Are you trying to order me around?! Completely unforgiveable!!!

**Bulma** : I'm not _trying_ \-- I **AM**!!

**Vegeta** : * _ROARS_ * I will not tolerate this insolence!

**Bulma** : Whaddya gonna do?? PULL THE VAN OVER AND SPANK ME??!?

**Goku** : I wish he would!

Because as the exchange had carried on, Vegeta ceased to pay attention to the road and the van was now swerving uncontrollably among the lanes of traffic. Chi Chi had long since passed out, after a near-collision with one of many tractor trailers. Horns were blowing everywhere. The van's wheels screeched as Vegeta yanked the steering wheel, moving into yet another lane. With precision, the inflamed saiya-jin gave the other motorists various insults, gestures, and *commands*.

Speeding up to a precarious 95 mph, Vegeta passed a very familiar Pinto with smoke coming out of the windows. It received a nasty insult, like all the others on the road that day.

**Vegeta** : I will say what I damn well please, woman!!

**Bulma** : That's what YOU think! And if you get us killed on this road, I will personally kick your ass!!

**Vegeta** : Don't make me laugh, you miserable wretch. Why don't you go fu-

**Bulma** : THAT'S IT!! I'VE HAD IT WITH YOUR OBSCENITIES!!!

And with that, Bulma screamed. Not just a normal scream, but one you might hear from a certain race going super saiya-jin. Not that Bulma turned into a blond, but let's just say she is very piss— er, unhappy.

~-~-~

Chi Chi's eyelids fluttered open. She realized the van was no longer careening towards a set of huge tires—and in fact, Vegeta was driving at the speed limit! In the rear view mirror she could see Vegeta's lips moving, but no sound was coming out. Bulma was leaning her head against the back of the short seat. Her face was damp from sweat and her hair was scraggly. Chi Chi's face flushed and she hoped Bulma's appearance was not a result of Vegeta "pulling the van over." Chi Chi hesitatingly turned and with a shaky voice asked:

**Chi Chi** : Uhh... Bulma... what happened?

**Bulma** : * _exhales loudly_ * Oh... Vegeta can't talk. Well—he can, but only if it's not something dirty.

_Vegeta's lips continued to move soundlessly_

**Chi Chi** : ..... how... can that happen?

**Bulma** : * _shrugs_ * Who cares. At least he's finally quiet.

And with that, Bulma pulled various cosmetics, brushes, and mirrors from her purse.

**Chi Chi** : * _sighs_ *

**Goku** : Hey Vegeta, since you're calmed down... Wanna play a game?

**Vegeta** : * _a fluttering of soundless lips_ *

**Goku** : Huh? I can't hear you! Speak up!

**Vegeta** : * _shakes fist and gives the appearance of loudly shouting_ *

**Goku** : You know... I **still** can't hear you. Here, let me try and read your lips.

A slight growling can be heard from Vegeta; he slowly mouths words at Goku. Goku concentrates intently on Vegeta's mouth while silently mouthing the words as he figured them out. As Goku translated the final part of Vegeta's message, his eyes went huge and he turned away from his friend.

**Goku** : That wasn't very nice...

Vegeta struggled to flip Goku off, but was unable to lift his own middle finger.

19 minutes later

Vegeta had managed to calm down. In fact, _everyone_ had fallen asleep, it had gotten so peaceful in the van. Scraps of words were heard from the prince—only good words of course, like: _of_ , _the_ , _and_ , or _up_. Sometimes _elite_ , _super_ and even _third class_.

Vegeta emits a long sigh... filled with smoke??  
He looks down at the thin white object between his forefinger and thumb and smirks.

**Vegeta** : That Namek was finally good for something.

A thin tendril of smoke curled around Goku's face and he inhaled a lungful.

**Goku** : * _coughing violently_ * What **is** that?

**Vegeta** : Shh!! Don't wake— * _Vegeta's lips move without a sound_ *

**Goku** : { _whispers_ } Oh, sorry.

Vegeta takes another long drag and sighs.

**Goku** : Hey... you wouldn't mind sharing, would you?

Vegeta looks at Goku, blinks, takes another puff, looks at Goku, blinks, and finally hands the joint over to Goku.

**Goku** : Thanks

And with that, Goku breathed in the drug's effects.

The two shared another joint in similar fashion, Vegeta explaining to Goku that he had gotten them from Piccolo just before leaving Golden Corral.

* * * * *

27 minutes afterwards:

**Vegeta** : Are you looking hard enough??

**Goku** : I'm TRYING!! I just can't see one!

**Vegeta** : There's gotta be one around here somewhere.

**Goku** : I'm too **hungry** to look

**Vegeta** : But that's what we're looking FOR you— * _Vegeta's voice drops silent as his mouth continues to move_ *

**Goku** : What was that? I'm having trouble hearing— Wait! WAIT! LOOK!! Over to the right!!

**Vegeta** : Excellent!

Vegeta pulls into the parking lot of the Mr. Fuel. Without bothering to wake the others, Goku and Vegeta flew into the truck stop.

5 minutes later...

Bulma and the rest enter Mr. Fuel to see Goku and Vegeta at the register. Any kind of snack food imaginable was piled up on the counter.

**Vegeta** : Wha-! What are you doing up?? * _looks around nervously_ *

**Chi Chi** : Besides the fact that the van is no longer moving?

**Goku** : Uhh...

**Trunks** : Some freaks in a red convertible drove by, screaming something about "radishes." It looked like they were throwing pantyhose onto the highway...

Vegeta shuddered.

**Bulma** : Yeah, that woke us up.

**Goten** : Ojiisan! Why are you buying all that food?

**Trunks** : And why are your eyes so red?

**Vegeta** : Er... um... { _opens bag of cheese doodles_ }

**Goku** : You see, we were riding along and all of a sudden we got REALLY hungry. I mean Chi Chi, I've NEVER been that hungry before! { _bites into a chicken wing_ }

**Vegeta** : Yeah, we got really hungry.

**Bulma** : But we JUST came from the restaurant!!

**Vegeta** : { _orange powder around mouth_ } We're saiya-jins! We need food! What's your problem??

**Bulma** : * _sighs_ * Fine, fine. Whatever. Get your stuff and let's go.

**Vegeta to Goku** : Phew, that was close

**Goku** : Yeah! I'm glad I ate the nachos before she got in here. Then she probably _wouldn't_ have let us buy the other things.

**Vegeta** : I was _more_ worried about her finding out that we're stoned...

**Goku** : Huh?

**Vegeta** : * _groans_ * Come on, and don't forget your hotdogs 


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The gang stops for the night, but not without incident! Will they reach their destination?

With a scowl, Vegeta stared at the never ending road. The sun was beginning to sink behind the trees and the two boys in the back were yawning.

**Bulma** : Boy, it's only 7:30 but it feels so much later

**Goku** : Yeah. I could use some food too

**Chi Chi** : * _sigh_ *

Vegeta wiped the steering wheel with a finger, flicking the orange flakes off. A grimace on his face, Vegeta inspected the cheese coated fingertips of his gloves.

**Vegeta to himself** : Damn Namek, stupid cheeba, stupid munchies. I only brought one pair of gloves with me.

**Vegeta** : When will you- { _Vegeta catches himself_ } When do you want to stop for the night?

Goten and Trunks jump up

**Goten & Trunks**: NOW!!! Come on!

**Bulma** : Hmmmm.... There's an Econo Lodge up ahead in the next town. Let's stop there

**Chi Chi** : Finally...

Bulma pats Chi Chi's hand.

**Chi Chi** : * _sigh_ *

Goten and Trunks rustle around in the back of the van, shoving all the stuff back into its respective suitcases. Hopefully...

* * * * *

30 miles later, and they're still on the road...

**Bulma** : I never said it was close!

**Chi Chi** : This is taking _forever_! This is enough to drive a woman to smoking

**Goku** : For my sake, don't

**Chi Chi** : What is **that** supposed to mean?!

**Goku** : It just means I don't wanna have to taste your tobacco breath

**Chi Chi** : Hmph! Maybe I'll smoke something **other** than cigarettes!

**Goku** : * _sweatdrops_ * Uhh...

**Bulma** : Come on children, let's play nice. I can see the Econo Lodge sign from here

**Chi Chi** : Hmph

**Bulma** : You're starting to sound like Vegeta!

**Chi Chi** : Oh shut up Bulma!

**Bulma** : { _laughs lightly_ } Look, we'll go get a couple of rooms, get a good night's rest, and by lunchtime tomorrow we'll be vacationing!

The mention of an actual destination was appealing to all the haggard travelers, and they settled down.

Vegeta pulled into the motel's parking lot, much to Chi Chi's relief. Bulma skipped cheerfully out of the van and headed to the main office. All the others began to pile out of the tin prison and gathered their luggage together. Shortly, Bulma emerged flashing key cards in excitement.

**Chi Chi** : I've never been more excited about sleeping in a dingy, strange place before!

**Goku** : Yeah! Maybe the used condoms will be in the trash can instead of stuck to the sheets like—  
Chi Chi put her palm to Goku's mouth and shook her head "no."

**Goku** : * _shrugs_ * Well, let's get settled then, shall we?

And with that, Bulma led the group to their rooms.

* * * * *

**Goten** : Come **ON**! Stop for a minute!

**Goku** : You can see the **MOST** this way!

Trunks and Goten wrestle Goku for the remote. Goku had been flicking through the channels at an unbelievable rate. Chi Chi only chuckled and went to take a shower.

*In the adjoining room...

**Vegeta** : Come **ON**! What's your problem woman?

**Bulma** : **You** my dear prince are my problem

**Vegeta** : * _groans_ * You're just making * _silence_ * up

**Bulma** : What was that? I couldn't hear you! * _sticks tongue out_ *

**Vegeta** : Oh shut up

And Vegeta left to take a shower.

Bulma left her hotel room and knocked on Goku and Chi Chi's door. After being admitted in:

**Bulma** : Hey guys! Getting settled in?

**Goten & Trunks**: Uh huh!

**Bulma** : Hey Goku, you sure you don't mind Trunks staying in your room?

**Goku** : Yeah, it's no problem!

**Bulma** : Well, if he starts misbehaving, just send him back over

**Trunks** : I'm gonna be good Mama!

**Bulma** : You better be!

**Trunks to Goten** : For the love of Kami, I don't want to stay in the same room with them again

**Goten** : Why not?

**Trunks** : Because the last time they kept me up **all** night!

**Goten** : * _cringe_ * Ouch

**Trunks** : Double ouch

~~~~~~~~~

Chi Chi turned in bed to face her husband. Even though it was pitch black in the room, she could tell he was dead asleep.

She tried anyway.

**Chi Chi** : * _whisper_ * Goku... Goku! { _shakes him gently_ } Wake up

**Goku** : Zzzzzzzzz

**Chi Chi** : * _loudly whispers_ * Goku! { _punches him on the arm_ }

**Goku** : { _jumps up in bed_ } I don't **want** to ride your pony Vegeta!

**Chi Chi** : Uhh... O...k...

Goku looks around him, then sat down.

**Goku** : What's wrong?

**Chi Chi** : Ummm... listen

**Goku** : To what?

**Chi Chi** : To the wall!

Goku presses his ear up to the wall.

**Goku** : It's not saying much of anything, hon

**Chi Chi** : { _smacks forehead_ } No! In the other room!

**Goku** : Ooohhhh... { _listens again_ } So what?

**Chi Chi** : I can't believe they're doing that!

A very subtle yet rhythmic thumping could be heard

**Goku** : So what. They probably do that **all** the time. Just go back to sleep.

**Chi Chi** : I'll try to...

Chi Chi snuggled up to her very large and very warm husband, let out a soft sigh, and fell asleep.

Almost. Because 5 minutes later:

**THUMP**

_Quit..._

**THUMP**

* _groan_ *

**THUMP**

_WEEE!!!_

**THUMP**

The voices of course belonged to Vegeta and Bulma. Chi Chi woke up with a start at the first thump.

**Chi Chi** : Goku!

**Goku** : What?!...

**Chi Chi** : Do you hear them?! Do they know nothing of discretion??

_{Voices}_

Yes! Yes! **YES**!

Quiet! I can't concentrate

**Thump**

Vegetaaaa!!

* _Growl_ *

**Thump**

It was never this much fun when I was younger

Probably cuz— * _groan_ * —your parents would kill you

**Thump**

WHOA! Almost fell off that time!

If you'd pay attention to what you're doin— AAH!

**Thump**

Did you like that?

* _growls_ * YES! If you'd quit that—

~* **CRASH** *~

Jeez, you broke the bed you moronic woman

Hey! Don't call me that!

Oh, right. You moronic Bulma.

* _sigh_ *

You stay away from me!

But Vegeta... I want to do it again

Not on me you won't!

Chi Chi's mouth is gaping open and her hands are gripping her husband’s bare chest.

**Goku** : Uhh... Chi Chi... would you let go of me now?

**Chi Chi** : { _still hasn't let go_ } Goku... shoot me... please...

**Goku** : * _chuckles_ * Come on! Quit worrying about it

Goku slowly plucks his wife's fingers from his rippling pectorals and eased her down to a sleeping position.

**Goku** : { _kisses her forehead_ } Just go to sleep

**Chi Chi** : { _shudders_ } * _mumbles_ * Okay

~~~~~~~~~

**Goku** : She's a BRICK ... HOOOUUUSE

Chi Chi straightened her hair in the mirror, listening to Goku's rendition of the Commodores classic hit. Goku likes to sing in the shower...

**Chi Chi** : Are you boys dressed yet?

**Goten & Trunks**: Yes!!

**Trunks to Goten** : Give it **to** me!

**Goten** : No! I want to watch Jerry Springer

**Trunks** : That doesn't come on this early!

**Goten** : I bet it **does**!

**Trunks** : Not!

**Goten** : Does too!

**Trunks** : Does not!

**Goku** : —just lettin' it all hang out. She's a BRICK—

**Chi Chi to herself** : * _sigh_ * As soon as Goku's done, we'll have to go next door and see if Bulma and Vegeta are ready...

Goku was out and ready to go in 7 minutes. They gathered their belongings together and shuffled out the door. With a gentle shove, Chi Chi pushed Goku to Bulma's door.

**Chi Chi** : Go on! Knock! We'll get the stuff into the van.

And with that said, Chi Chi sped in the direction of the vehicle, beckoning the luggage-laden children to her.

Obediently, Goku raps on the door. After much clattering and mutters, Bulma opened the door.

**Bulma** : Hey Goku! Ready to go?

**Goku** : Yeah! Chi Chi was driving me _crazy_ last night

**Bulma** : Oh really { _winks_ }

**Goku** : Huh?

**Bulma** : Did Chi Chi want to ride the bologna pony? Do the horizontal mambo? The wild thing? Monkey around? Bite the weenie? Swing from the lamps? Get wet and wild? Did Son-kun want some sweet putang? Did she tell you to come, but you were already there?

**Goku** : { _scratches back of head_ } ....uhh... I don't catch what you're saying....

Bulma turns and walks away from her childhood friend, shaking her head and muttering.

**Goku** : I caught the word "sex" in your mutters. Chi Chi didn't want that, either

Goku looks around the mess of a room. Vegeta was still sprawled out in bed, mouth wide open and snoring. Bulma, on the other hand, was freshly showered, dressed, and now applying her makeup.

**Goku** : Is uh... Vegeta ready to go?

**Bulma** : I think I wore him out last night. Why don't you try waking him up

**Goku** : Okie dokie

Bulma hummed and smeared her favorite lipstick on. She could hear Goku cheerily talking to Vegeta while the shorter man only sleepily grumbled back.

*Out of Bulma's earshot*

**Goku** : So you rascal, did you have fun last night?

**Vegeta** : Absolutely not. Why would you think I did?

**Goku** : Well, it sounded pretty wild over here last night

**Vegeta** : What?! Oh!! No no no no!! You've got it all wrong!

**Goku** : Heh heh heh... broke the bed, did ya?

The crumpled remains of the other double bed were a big indicator...

**Vegeta** : That woman did that!

**Goku** : I bet

**Vegeta** : She was jumping on it!! I was trying to watch TV and she kept changing the channel and making noise!

**Goku** : BWAHAHAHAHAAHAHA!!!

**Vegeta** : Shut up! It's not funny!

**Goku** : It's **very** funny man!

Vegeta grumbles and walks over to his suitcase to grab some clothes.

Goku continued to chuckle at the hilariousness of poor Vegeta's situation when he heard Chi Chi screaming from outside. He flew to her side immediately and asked what was wrong. She merely pointed a shaking finger into the van.

Inside the back seat, Freeza was fast asleep curled into a fetal position. Uncomfortably stretched out on the bench seat was Piccolo. For some reason, not even Chi Chi's scream was enough to rouse them...

**Goku** : Oh boy...

By this time, Vegeta had dressed and he and Bulma emerged from their room. Goku had crawled into the van, violently shaking Piccolo. The very tall Namek finally woke up and looked around.

**Piccolo** : ..... hey... Goku. Have you got any.... food?

Chi Chi faints.

**Freeza** : { _jumps up spontaneously from slumber_ } Don't make me touch it again!!!

Goku and Piccolo freeze...

**Freeza** : Uh... hello guys { _laughs nervously_ }

**Goku** : Ummm... what are you doing here?

**Freeza** : * _sniff_ * Well, after we picked up the lovely Radditz, my companions got tired of me. Then, I threw Cell's annoying hosiery onto some highway and that _really_ pissed them off for some reason. They kicked me out and took my car. I found the dashing Namek here and your son and they offered me a ride.

**Goku** : But... Piccolo? Why are **you** here? And where's Gohan?

**Piccolo** : Well... { _stomach grumbles_ } Food?? Gohan? Well... he found this incredible blond whore on the street...

**Goku** : And...?

**Piccolo** : He drove off without me.

**Freeza** : We saw your van... and climbed in for some beauty sleep...

**Goku** : Hmmm.... how very strange

**Chi Chi** : { _regained consciousness_ } Indeed...

Vegeta and Bulma reach the van.

**Vegeta** : What the **HELL** are you doing here?!?

Vegeta begins charging up.

**Freeza** : Oh my dear, don't hurt me! I shan't touch you. Again.

**Goku** : Come on, we don't need any conflict

Vegeta calms down, but "Hmphs"

**Bulma** : So... you guys need a ride?

**Freeza** : Umm....

**Piccolo** : That would be nice

**Bulma** : Alright then... Everyone pile in!

And so, Goten and Trunks settled into their normal spot accompanied by Freeza. Piccolo squeezed in with Goku and Vegeta, and Bulma assumed the role of driving with Chi Chi in shotgun.

**Goten** : Move over!

**Trunks** : Stop touching me, you purple **freak**!

**Vegeta** : Kakarotto... why do _I_ have to be in the middle?

**Goku** : I need to look out the window or I get sick

**Vegeta** : Move over Namek! Your shoulder pad is in my **EYE**.

**Freeza** : Your neck is really quite stunning little Vegeta

**Vegeta** : Stop looking at me!

**Piccolo** : Shut up Vegeta!

**Freeza** : Your voice is so deep Piccolo!

**Piccolo** : Ugh! I had _enough_ of that last night!

**Vegeta** : Woman!! I think Freeza is trying to grab my ass through the seat!

**Goku** : Mover over Vegeta! You're suffocating my ki

**Piccolo** : Shut up, all of you! I can't meditate

**Freeza** : Piccolo dear, do you happen to have any more of that delightful stuff you gave me last night?

**Piccolo** : * _groans_ * NO. I gave you the last of my acid so you'd leave me alone * _mutters_ * Did you monkeys use all those joints I gave you?? Yes?? * _groans_ *

Bulma and Chi Chi just sigh. (Apparently they did not catch that part about "joints")

**Chi Chi** : How come Vegeta is back to cussing?

**Bulma** : * _blushes_ * I think it's because I broke the bed

**Chi Chi** : { _eyebrow raises_ } ....

**Bulma** : No! Not like that!! I was jumping on the bed!

Chi Chi shudders nonetheless.

* * * * * * *

* * * * *

* * *

After 3 long hours of pushing, complaining, cursing, and smacking Freeza's hands:

**Bulma** : We're almost there guys!!!

**Goten & Trunks**: WOO HOO!!

**Trunks** : Hey, don't touch me there!

**Freeza** : Sorry...

**Vegeta** : Are you sure woman?

**Bulma** : Quite! According to the directions I printed from the web site, we have 5 miles left

**Goten & Trunks**: YAY!!

**Goten** : Stop that!

**Freeza** : Sorry...

Vegeta and Goku continued with their thumb wrestling tournament.

**Chi Chi** : Hey Bulma... doesn't this look kind of familiar?...

**Bulma** : Ummm....

**Goten** : Wow! This place has a plaza that looks **just** like the one at home!!

**Trunks** : Cool!

Piccolo opens his eyes and sweats.

**Piccolo** : Uh oh...

Bulma looks incredulously at the scenery passing by.

**Bulma** : Holy shit!! How did this happen??

**Goku** : Wow! Here we are back at my house! This was the strangest vacation **EVER**!

Chi Chi passes out.

**Vegeta** : Now entering Ass-ville. Population: 8


End file.
